Firstly let me begin by saying every marriage has one hundred per cent chance of saving, surviving if both spouses are willing to work, change, grow and put Christ Jesus at the centre of their relationship. There is hope but must be worked on, and the willingness of both couples is a huge factor in the recovery and growth of the marriage. However, if I were, to sum up in one word what breaks most marriages apart today, it would be selfishness, not finances, sex or communication. Why because we go into the marriage making it all about us. We tend to think of what the other person can do for us, and fix our emotional, physical connection to that, and not the person as a whole. Selfishness is one of the major hindrances to becoming ONE, of One Body, One Spirit, One Lord, One Faith, and One God according to our – Ephesians 4:2-6.
In this article, we shall look at selfishness in marriage its effects and how we can apply the Word of God in our lives to become a selfless spouse that your marriages deserve.
First What is Selfishness
The Merriam Webster dictionary puts it nicely as – the quality or state of being selfish: a concern for one’s own welfare or advantage at the expense of or in disregard of others: excessive interest in oneself.
Cambridge Dictionary – the quality of thinking only of your own advantage.
Let’s look at one of our main scriptures on this topic:
And Christ did die for all of us. He died so we would no longer live for ourselves, but for the one who died and was raised to life for us. 2 Corinthians 5:15 CEV
So, there we can see that even in scripture telling us Christ died for us so we can no longer live for ourselves. The root of sin, the DNA of sin is also selfishness. We tend to reduce our world into my wants, needs and feelings; we’re meant to live for something bigger than ourselves.
Do you know where your fights and arguments come from? They come from the selfish desires that war within you. You want things, but you do not have them. So you are ready to kill and are jealous of other people, but you still cannot get what you want. So you argue and fight. You do not get what you want, because you do not ask God. Or when you ask, you do not receive because the reason you ask is wrong. You want things so you can use them for your own pleasures. So, you are not loyal to God! You should know that loving the world is the same as hating God. Anyone who wants to be a friend of the world becomes God’s enemy.
James 4:1-4 New Century Version (NCV)
We can understand that each one of us is or was selfish before marriage. The fact of the issue is, that when you are a single unmarried person you only have one person to think about, yourself. We think more selfishly on many levels from the clothes we buy, the restaurants we dine, to the activities we do, I call this the single-life state of mind.
Now if you’re married the “single-life state of mind” and actions you had before a marital relationship has to change because you are no longer single.
How Does Selfishness Look in Marriage
Selfishness can manifest in many ways in a marriage, and if left unchecked or discussed to resolve them will end up ruining your happy marriage. Now, listen there’s nothing wrong with wanting fulfilment wanting your needs met. However, as I’ve said before, marriage is not so much about finding the right person as much as it’s about being the right person. Here is a list of some apparent signs of how selfish behaviour looks like in marriage, that I have learnt over the years.
My Expectations
Watch out for the unspoken expectations in your marriage. Make sure your communication is clear; your goals, desires and plans are one by having one understanding and flexible.
My Feelings & Emotions
I can attest to this, that unchecked anger, bitterness, and malice leads to aggressive, defensive outbursts. Think about this, do your feelings and emotions control you or do you manage them?
My Wants & Needs
Do you believe it’s all about your needs being met? How can he/she fulfil me? That’s the question that can quickly get in our way to finding real intimacy in marriage. Do you consider his/her needs more than yours?
My Views & Opinions
Do you agree to disagree with your spouse? Are you comfortable to open up and share your thoughts without feeling boxed in to agree with your spouse or does he/she holds you from freely expressing yourself? Do you consider your views or opinions are much better than your spouse?
My Programme
My way or be ready for the runt, fight, and in the end, you give up to their way. A controlling spouse, who instils their programme of doing things leaving you out cold isn’t a great company. It’s in the little things that we end up having conflicts in marriage.
My Family
There is my family, your family or our family, right? The challenges and dynamics of family structures are the norms in every marriage. However, be honest, and truthful to each other how you feel out each other’s in-laws. Choosing to walk in love with all your in-laws is one sure way to keep your marriage safe.
My Careers or Business
The world is constantly changing and our cultures too. One can quickly fall into the trap of feeling as if you are competing with your partner. Making sure you choose your family first and not your career or business ahead of your family life.
[Tweet “Marriage is not so much about finding the right person as much as it’s about being the right person. – Pastor JP Munupe”]
The Effects of Selfishness in Marriage
There are many effects of selfishness that are very damaging to a marriage. That said, I will just mention a few of them to provide you with some context that you may be able to relate to in your own marriage.
Selfishness in marriage:
- Creates distance where your spouse doesn’t want to be around you.
- Creates resentment between you and your spouse.
- It causes significant communication issues by intensifying small solvable and insignificant problems into heated disagreements.
- My spouse and my marriage are not pursued or cared for the way it should be.
- It prevents growth and stunts our ability to trust.
- It creates hurtful feelings, disrespect, and also bitterness in the marriage.
There is more, but I hope you can get the gist of it, it’s, and the worse thing is that most couples don’t realise it’s the root cause of all their marital issues. We blame our spouses for everything else in the marriage and never look at our selves. It’s quite understandable that we shy away from looking at our shortcomings and it’s even worse when the person telling you is your spouse. So how can you fight selfishness in your marriage; you may be asking.
How Do You Become a Selfless Spouse
Marriage was created by God to bless you and make you happy right after it kills you. Marriage is designed to kill you, to kill self, that selfish spirit. So the quicker you kill or do away with that selfish, egotistical self, the better your marriage will be, and you can both begin to enjoy the benefits of your marriage. There are several ways that I found to help the process let me share them below.
1. Be Honest With Your Spouse
So if you haven’t figured this one out hmm – we’re all selfish by nature and the best way to start the process of becoming selfless is by being honest to your spouse and acknowledging your behaviour is selfish. This is important, making your spouse understand that you want to better your relationship and you’re willing to change, grow and improve yourself in how you prioritise her/him and your marriage.
2. Communicate and Be Flexible
Communication is key to your success in marriage, and even on this process, it’s an ingredient you can’t afford to miss. I have heard of stories where a husband has never given up his video games, every day after work he plays till midnight until his marriage fell apart. Communicate your needs and be flexible your spouse and marriage comes first, not your mother or father or your children.
3. Be Willing to Sacrifice
Becoming of One Body, One Spirit, One Lord, One Faith, and One God according to require sacrifice from both of you. You must be willing to give something for your spouse, for you to gain something else that is much valuable and precious to you. Be awake in your mind’s eye and see you’re no longer I but “WE”. Nothing brings this reality home than marriage.
4. Be Willing to Endure the Process
They say marriage wasn’t made in heaven but on earth, for there is no marriage in heaven. Love endures all things, love is patient and kind – you must learn to wait patiently for the process to complete. Don’t become impatient or quick with your spouse, but rather be there for them for each other. If your spouse is struggling with a particular selfish issue be there for them, ask them “how can I make this process easier for you and for us?”. Let them know that your one with them “I am here with you in this process, we’re one and I love you”.
5. Learn to Forgive Each Other and Not Blaming Each Other
Apostle James says, Where do all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happened, think again they come about because you want your way and you fight for it deep inside? Yourselves that pretty much sums it up we want our way. Listen fight to resolve not to win if you’re fighting to win you’ve already lost. It’s not about winning the argument; it’s about resolving the conflict. She’s yelling, or you’re yelling or whatever it is and then you look at them and say you know what I was wrong, please forgive me. I love you Diffused didn’t take you that long to get rid of all bitterness rage, anger, harsh words, slander and all kinds of evil behaviour. Instead, be kind to each other tender-hearted forgiving one another just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
6. Be of Service to Each Other
I heard once said that “a good marriage is a marriage of two people who serve each other daily”. Serve your spouse daily, learn what is her primary love language and serve that daily. What are those things you could do to make life easier for your spouse? There could be practical things that need doing around the house or could be preparing for your family holiday. Whatever it is serve each other without complaining, even Jesus Christ came to serve and so must you.
[Tweet “Fight to resolve not to win if you’re fighting to win you’ve already lost. – Pastor JP Munupe”]But among you it will be different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first among you must become your slave. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Matt 20:26-28 NLT
In Conclusion
I have seen the deadly effects of selfishness in relationships, and I hope that this article has opened your eyes to this marriage monster. So don’t let selfishness ruin your marriage. Forgive each other quickly, affirm your love for each and close every door to strife in your home. These are simple truths that I apply in my life, to love as God wants us to enjoy our marital life. Love your spouse honour them and live selflessly not selfishly.
Finally, I would like to read your comments on how you have defeated selfishness in your marriage or what has worked for you.
