INTRODUCTION
Communication as you know, it’s everything in a marriage relationship, it’s the lifeblood of any relationship. So if you’re going to have successful communication, remember, your spouse isn’t like you. They don’t need what you need, and they don’t hear as you hear.
If you’re a man speaking to a woman, talk security and you will succeed in communicating with that sister. Additionally, if you’re talking to a man, speak the language of respect.
MY ADVICE TO WOMEN
So, women you know typically you don’t need sex as much as men. However, what I would advise you is, be more sexual than you feel. Your husband has the need for sex. You have the gift of sex, and God gave you that gift so that it would draw your husband back to you consistently. Don’t despise that, it’s a precious thing that keeps your husband coming back to you, and it’s essential to meet that need. Be more sexual than you feel. That’s my tip to women.
[Tweet “Your husband has the need for sex. You have the gift of sex, and God gave you that gift so that it would draw your husband back to you consistently.”]MY ADVICE TO MEN
Here’s my advice to my bothers. I just got through saying something wonderful to your wives. That was a biggie. Here’s my little tip to you. Who cares if you don’t want to talk? You talk. I advised your wife to be more sexual than she feels. I’m telling you, you talk more than you think. When you come home, and when she wants to talk, you talk and don’t give her headlines.
Men, we must understand that it’s not our need, but her need, so open up. We do it with our friends. So you do it with her. Moreover, when she says, “what did you do today?” You don’t say, “nothing. Open up in detail about how your day went and your feelings. “I was feeling a little insecure about my meeting with Bob at work today.” So just that’s what she wants to hear. She wants to hear, and she needs, now and then be open be vulnerable. It’s important to understand men; it’s not your need. That’s what I’m saying. I’m not saying you don’t need to talk at all, but it’s not your need.
[Tweet “Who cares if you don’t want to talk? When you come home, and when she wants to talk, you talk and don’t give her headlines.”]However, it’s your wife’s need. So, women are different in this area, and men need to respect their wives’ need for open, patient, honest, emotional communication. There I said it, and it’s lovely once you get to be open to your best friend, your confidant, your wife.
MEN EMOTIONALLY MODEST VS WOMEN EMOTIONALLY IMMODEST
There’s another difference between men and women in communication. Men are emotionally modest whilst women are emotionally immodest. So, when women have sex, they are very modest, and they want you to shut doors, lights off, you know, children anaesthetised. Do you know what I mean? I mean, it’s a caring environment, because they’re very physically modest. As for us men? Eh, we can do it just about anywhere right?.
So, it’s different when it’s men because men are emotionally modest. Now, we don’t talk like you talk. If you’re ever in a restaurant and you have a table of women over here and a table of men over here, listen to the way they talk. You listen to the women talking, and they’re saying, “well, did you know that Debbie is going through a tough time with Jonathan?” “Really?” “Oh, yes, she called me the other day and said she’s just devastated, and said this and this and this and this.” So they’re talking about relationships, and they’re talking about feelings. They’re talking about real stuff. The table of men over here says, “Mark, did you get your garage door fixed?” “Yeah, I did, and, I’m gonna park the Teslar in from now on.” “Really? Did you go fishing last weekend what’d you caught?” “Well, I caught some trout.” You know, and that’s the way men talk we don’t ask “how’d you feel when you caught that trout, Mark?” “I felt really good.” “I felt hungry.” We are not going to talk about our emotions.
Men don’t do that; we’re emotionally modest. So, women, when they have sex because they’re physically modest, very private, don’t tell anybody. Please don’t talk about it; this is between us. Darkroom, locked door, everything’s very careful. That’s the way men communicate. Women are emotionally immodest. Men, on the other hand, are not that way. If you want a man to talk, if you ever tell somebody what we said, he’ll never tell you anything again. Men don’t like that, and so when a wife gets her husband in a room, lock that door, anaesthetise those children, you create a very caring environment to sit down and talk. When your husband opens his heart, you are careful how you respond, because men are very tender on the inside. Don’t be fooled by the muscles the physical nature of man. We really are softies in the inside. Men don’t open their heart if you’re sarcastic if you’re judgmental if you’re mean-spirited, anything like that, a man will shut down on you because this is the holy of holies. Wives don’t abuse or misuse that part of your husband when you see it, instead hold him up and love on him even more.
Women are tougher than men in many ways. Women can argue with each other. Men when our heart rate goes above 100, we can’t hear. We can’t do it; we zone out. Women can talk about their emotions and argue with each other like that. Men are looking for an exit, a way out of that quickly, we’d say “don’t you talk to me like that.” Women are tougher than men emotionally. It’s just the truth. The way a wife talks to her husband to keep him calm and assured, is you honour him, you respect him. You let him know, every word he is saying to you is sacred, and you will not share it. You will not take the opportunity with it, and you won’t use it against him later. Men are different from you ladies, I have the greatest respect for women and the way God made you, but you got to understand, we’re not the same.
MEETING YOUR SPOUSE NEEDS
We as human beings generally hear through our deepest needs. Now, this is a huge, huge issue. Listen to what I’m saying. A man’s most profound need is the need for honour. This is our mega need. The need for respect is the need above all needs with men. Even above sex, we want to be respected. It’s not egotistical, and it’s the way God made us. We want to know that we’re a good man. We want to see that you respect us. That’s a big, big deal for us.
Women’s number one mega need is security. They want to know that their husband is intuned into them and sacrificially he will meet their needs. When a woman knows that her husband’s tuned in and sacrificially he will put her first and meet her needs and the needs of the family; she’s in heaven. So, when we communicate with each other, we have to encrypt our language with their need. An example is this: when a husband talks the wife can decode his language, very quickly. The wife knows if her husband is speaking security or not. It doesn’t matter what he is talking about; it doesn’t matter what the conversation is. Here is what she wants to hear him say encrypted in his conversation, I care, and I’m tuned in, and I’ll do whatever it takes. My heart is connected toward you and our family. I’ll say “no” to anything else, and I care about how you feel.
THE TONE OF YOUR VOICE MATTERS MORE THAN YOU THINK
Husbands understand this when you’re talking with that tone of security in your voice; your wife will be very calm and very reasonable. However, when she hears a tone that says I’m disconnected, something else is more important than her, she checks out, she’s on high alert. You can’t calm her down, even when you can ask her, “what are you so upset about?” She will probably say “ahh because of this and that. You may not understand her because everything you say to her it’s not going to be successful, it’s got to communicate security.
For us men, it’s also different ladies get this. When you talk to your man the way, you say it’s more important to him than what you’re saying. So whatever you’re going to tell him, if you want him to hear it, you need to say it in the right way. Here’s what a man needs to hear. I believe in you. You’re a good man. I love you. You’re the best. I respect you. You can talk about the children, and you can talk about work, you can talk about spirituality, you can talk about your needs, you can talk about your hurts or fears, or anything like that. However, when you come to him with your guns loaded, and you make him feel as though you don’t respect him, and you don’t believe in him, he can’t hear.
ARE YOU CONSTANTLY JAMMING THE FREQUENCY?
It’s a jamming frequency. When men are speaking insecurity, it’s a jamming frequency, and women can’t hear because their alarm is going off. When a woman comes at a man and makes him feel like, “you’re a bad man. You’re not a good man. I don’t believe in you,” it’s a jamming frequency. It doesn’t matter what you’re saying, and it doesn’t matter if you’re 100% right, you’ve made it much harder for him/her to listen because of the way you’re talking. So, if you’re going to have successful communication, remember, your spouse isn’t like you.
[Tweet “It’s a jamming frequency. When men are speaking insecurity, it’s a jamming frequency, and women can’t hear because their alarm is going off.”]They don’t need what you need, and they don’t hear as you hear. If you’re a man speaking to a woman, talk security and you will succeed in communicating with that sister. If you’re talking to a man, speak the language of respect. You can say anything; you’re an equal. However, say it with respect in the tone of your voice, and you’ll succeed in talking to that man. Moreover, let me say this: the same is true of little girls, and little boys.
If you’re going to talk to a daughter or a granddaughter and successfully communicate with her, she needs to hear the language of security. If you’ve got a little boy or a young man that you’re trying to influence, you have to speak honour to him, because he’s just a small man, and she’s only a little woman. Anyone of the opposite sex that you’re communicating with, you have to understand, they’re different.
Let’s dig deeper now on the 5 Keys to Better Communication in Your Marriage, now that we have the introduction and foundational understanding of the power of positive communication. I pray that this will bless you and move you closer to your spouse and deeper in love with one another. Please share this blog series with friends and colleagues, married and engaged coupled. Everyone needs to understand the power of positive, successful communication in marriage.
To your success, and prosperous marriage,
Pastor JP Munupe
