Praying Together When It Feels Awkward

“Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.”, Matthew 18:19

Let me be honest with you. In our decades of mentoring married couples across Africa and the diaspora, one of the most common confessions we hear is this: “We don't pray together.” It is said quietly, almost with shame, as if the couple know they should, but something has always stopped them. And when we ask why, the answer is rarely a crisis of faith. It is something far more human. It feels awkward.

If that describes your marriage, you are not alone. Research consistently shows that fewer than 10 per cent of Christian couples pray together regularly. That is a staggering number. These are couples who attend church, who believe in the power of prayer, who pray individually, and yet, when it comes to bowing their heads together in the living room, something locks up. The words will not come. The vulnerability feels too raw. And so the moment passes, again and again, until praying together becomes a thing other couples do.

Here is what we want you to understand: the awkwardness is not a sign that something is wrong with your marriage. It is actually a sign that something is very right, because prayer between spouses is one of the most intimate things two people can do. And intimacy, by its very nature, requires vulnerability.

Why Praying Together Is So Hard

To understand the awkwardness, you need to understand what praying together actually asks of you. When you pray aloud with your spouse, you are doing several things at once:

• You are admitting need. Prayer is an acknowledgement that you cannot do this alone, not just your marriage, but your life. That is humbling enough in private. Saying it out loud in front of the person who sees you every day takes courage.
• You are revealing your inner world. What you pray about exposes what you fear, what you hope for, what burdens you. Your spouse hears the raw content of your soul.
• You are being spiritually naked. Just as physical intimacy requires removing layers of protection, spiritual intimacy through prayer removes the emotional armour we often wear, even with the people closest to us.
• You are risking judgement. What if my prayer sounds clumsy? What if my spouse thinks my concerns are trivial? What if I cry?

No wonder it feels awkward. Prayer with your spouse is not a religious formality. It is an act of profound trust. And if your marriage has been through seasons of conflict, distance, or unresolved hurt, that trust may feel especially fragile.

Different Backgrounds, Different Barriers

In our experience, the barriers to praying together often differ depending on your background. Some couples come from traditions where prayer is highly formal, structured liturgy, specific words, a particular posture. The idea of spontaneous, conversational prayer feels foreign and uncomfortable. Others come from charismatic backgrounds where prayer is expected to be passionate and loud, and the quieter spouse feels inadequate by comparison.

Then there are couples where one partner is further along in their faith journey than the other. Perhaps one spouse grew up in church and the other came to faith later in life. Perhaps one has a rich prayer life and the other is still finding their footing. The gap between them, real or perceived, can make the less experienced partner feel exposed and the more experienced partner feel like they are performing.

We have sat with couples where the husband felt he should “lead” in prayer but did not know how, and so avoided it entirely rather than risk looking foolish. We have sat with wives who longed for spiritual connection but did not want to pressure their husband and make him feel inadequate. The desire was there on both sides. The bridge was missing.

Why It Matters More Than You Think

Before we give you the practical steps, let us share why this matters so deeply. A landmark study by the late Dr. David Larson and his colleagues found that couples who pray together regularly have a divorce rate of less than 1 per cent. One per cent. Even accounting for the self-selection factors in that research, the correlation is extraordinary.

Why? Because prayer together does something that almost nothing else can:

1. It dissolves pride. It is very difficult to hold onto bitterness and resentment when you are praying alongside the person you are angry with. Prayer softens the heart in ways that conversation alone cannot.
2. It creates a shared spiritual language. Over time, couples who pray together develop an intimacy of the soul that deepens every other area of their relationship, including communication, conflict resolution, and even physical intimacy.
3. It invites God into the centre. When you pray together, you are not just talking to each other about God. You are standing together before God. That shift in posture, from facing each other to facing the same direction, transforms the dynamic of your marriage.
4. It builds emotional safety. Hearing your spouse pray for you, genuinely, tenderly, is one of the most powerful experiences of being known and loved. It says, “You matter to me so much that I bring you before God.”

“Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”, Ecclesiastes 4:12

A Practical Framework: Start Where You Are

The biggest mistake couples make is trying to go from zero to a 30-minute prayer session. That is like someone who has never exercised trying to run a marathon on day one. You will burn out, feel discouraged, and stop.

Instead, we encourage couples to use what we call the 30-Second Start. Here is how it works:

Step 1: Choose a Consistent Moment

Pick one moment in your daily routine when you are already together, before bed, before a meal, in the car before pulling out of the driveway. Do not add a new time to your schedule. Attach prayer to a habit you already have.

Step 2: Keep It to One Sentence Each

In the beginning, each person prays just one sentence. That is it. “Lord, thank you for today.” “God, please give us patience with the children tonight.” “Father, help us to be kind to each other this week.” One sentence removes the pressure of performance. It silences the inner critic that says your prayer is not eloquent enough.

Step 3: Hold Hands

Physical touch during prayer is powerful. It grounds you in each other's presence. It reminds you that this is not a church service, it is an intimate moment between two people who have covenanted their lives together. Simply holding hands while you pray changes the entire atmosphere.

Step 4: Do Not Correct or Coach

This is critical. Never, under any circumstances, critique your spouse's prayer. Do not suggest they should have prayed differently, prayed longer, or included something they forgot. The moment you make prayer a performance to be evaluated, you destroy the safety that prayer requires. Whatever your spouse says before God, receive it with gratitude.

Step 5: Let It Grow Naturally

Over weeks and months, one sentence will become two. Two will become a short conversation with God. You will begin to share more vulnerably, pray more specifically, and linger longer. But let this growth happen organically. Do not force it. The Holy Spirit is the best guide for your prayer life, not a programme.

Different Styles of Prayer for Couples

Not every couple needs to pray the same way. Part of overcoming the awkwardness is finding a style that fits your marriage. Here are some approaches we have seen work beautifully:

• Conversational prayer. Take turns praying short, simple sentences, as if you are having a conversation with God together. One person begins, the other adds, and you go back and forth naturally.
• Written prayers. If praying aloud feels too vulnerable at first, write your prayers in a shared journal. Leave it on the bedside table. Read each other's prayers. This can be especially helpful for introverted spouses.
• Scripture-based prayer. Read a short passage of Scripture together, then pray the words back to God. For example, read Psalm 23 and then pray, “Lord, be our shepherd in this season. Lead us beside still waters.” This removes the pressure of finding your own words.
• Gratitude prayer. Each person simply names three things they are grateful for that day. No theology required. Just honest thankfulness.
• Silent prayer together. Sit together in silence, holding hands, and pray individually. You do not need to say a word. The act of being still before God together is itself a form of shared prayer.

How Prayer Transforms Conflict

In our years of ministry, we have witnessed something remarkable happen when couples commit to praying together, even imperfectly, even briefly. Their conflicts change.

It is extraordinarily difficult to stay entrenched in anger when you are about to pray with your spouse. Prayer requires a softening of the heart, a turning towards humility, a willingness to stand before God together rather than against each other. We have seen couples who were locked in bitter disagreements reach a turning point simply because one of them said, “Can we just pray about this before we say anything else?”

Prayer does not eliminate conflict. But it changes the posture of conflict. It moves you from adversaries to allies. It reminds you that you are on the same team, fighting for the same marriage, serving the same God. As John Gottman's research on the “in love” factor shows, couples who maintain a sense of shared meaning and purpose are far more resilient in the face of difficulty. Prayer is one of the most powerful ways to cultivate that shared meaning.

When One Spouse Is Reluctant

What if you long to pray together but your spouse is not ready? This is a sensitive situation, and we want to speak to it with care.

First, do not weaponise prayer. Do not say, “If you really loved God, you would pray with me.” Guilt and pressure will push your spouse further away, not draw them closer. Instead, model a vibrant personal prayer life. Let your spouse see the fruit of your own communion with God, your peace, your patience, your gentleness. As the apostle Peter wrote, some are “won over without words” by the conduct of their spouse.

Second, make the invitation gentle and low-pressure. “Would you be open to us just saying one thing we're grateful for before bed tonight?” That is not threatening. It is not religious. It is an invitation into connection.

Third, be patient. Spiritual intimacy, like every other form of intimacy, cannot be rushed. Trust God's timing. Pray for your spouse even when you cannot yet pray with them. And when the moment comes, and in our experience, it often does, be ready to receive it with grace rather than an “I told you so.”

The Intimacy You Have Been Searching For

We have walked with hundreds of couples over the years, newlyweds full of excitement, long-married couples weathering storms, and every season in between. And if there is one thing we have seen transform marriages more consistently than anything else, it is this simple, often neglected practice: praying together.

Not perfect prayer. Not long prayer. Not theologically impressive prayer. Just two imperfect people, standing honestly before a perfect God, together.

The awkwardness you feel? It fades. We promise you, it fades. What replaces it is something you cannot manufacture through any other means, a spiritual closeness that anchors your marriage through every storm, every dry season, every celebration, and every ordinary Tuesday evening.

Start tonight. Hold hands. Say one sentence. And watch what God does with your willingness.

“For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”, Matthew 18:20

If you want to explore how faith and communication work together in your marriage, read our article on Faith: The 4th Key to Better Communication. And to understand the deeper dynamics of what keeps couples connected, explore The “In Love” Factor. For a practical look at how forgiveness strengthens spiritual intimacy, see How to Apply Forgiveness in Marriage.